{"id":327,"date":"2013-02-16T01:20:23","date_gmt":"2013-02-16T01:20:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/?page_id=327"},"modified":"2024-02-06T19:49:48","modified_gmt":"2024-02-07T00:49:48","slug":"rules","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/articles\/intro-material\/rules\/","title":{"rendered":"Rules of Engagement: Plural Etiquette"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em>Em Flynn, Hess Sakal and Jack Dawkins, 2013 (Updated July 2023)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p>This is intended to be a replacement and expansion of the earlier \u2018Plural Etiquette\u2019 and \u2018Rules of Engagement\u2019 articles published in 2007.<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_71 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-grey ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\" style=\"cursor:inherit\">Table of Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><a href=\"#\" class=\"ez-toc-pull-right ez-toc-btn ez-toc-btn-xs ez-toc-btn-default ez-toc-toggle\" aria-label=\"Toggle Table of Content\"><span class=\"ez-toc-js-icon-con\"><span class=\"\"><span class=\"eztoc-hide\" style=\"display:none;\">Toggle<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-icon-toggle-span\"><svg style=\"fill: #999;color:#999\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" class=\"list-377408\" width=\"20px\" height=\"20px\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\"><path d=\"M6 6H4v2h2V6zm14 0H8v2h12V6zM4 11h2v2H4v-2zm16 0H8v2h12v-2zM4 16h2v2H4v-2zm16 0H8v2h12v-2z\" fill=\"currentColor\"><\/path><\/svg><svg style=\"fill: #999;color:#999\" class=\"arrow-unsorted-368013\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" width=\"10px\" height=\"10px\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" version=\"1.2\" baseProfile=\"tiny\"><path d=\"M18.2 9.3l-6.2-6.3-6.2 6.3c-.2.2-.3.4-.3.7s.1.5.3.7c.2.2.4.3.7.3h11c.3 0 .5-.1.7-.3.2-.2.3-.5.3-.7s-.1-.5-.3-.7zM5.8 14.7l6.2 6.3 6.2-6.3c.2-.2.3-.5.3-.7s-.1-.5-.3-.7c-.2-.2-.4-.3-.7-.3h-11c-.3 0-.5.1-.7.3-.2.2-.3.5-.3.7s.1.5.3.7z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/a><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/articles\/intro-material\/rules\/#Introduction\" title=\"Introduction\">Introduction<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/articles\/intro-material\/rules\/#Important_things_to_keep_in_mind\" title=\"Important things to keep in mind\">Important things to keep in mind<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/articles\/intro-material\/rules\/#If_youre_curious_just_ask\" title=\"If you\u2019re curious, just ask.\">If you\u2019re curious, just ask.<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/articles\/intro-material\/rules\/#Use_the_names_people_prefer\" title=\"Use the names people prefer.\">Use the names people prefer.<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-5\" href=\"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/articles\/intro-material\/rules\/#Respect_system_members_individuality\" title=\"Respect system members\u2019 individuality.\">Respect system members\u2019 individuality.<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-6\" href=\"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/articles\/intro-material\/rules\/#If_you_met_someone_in_a_system_first_dont_marginalise_other_members_of_the_system\" title=\"If you met someone in a system first, don\u2019t marginalise other members of the system.\">If you met someone in a system first, don\u2019t marginalise other members of the system.<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-7\" href=\"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/articles\/intro-material\/rules\/#Dont_ask_for_%E2%80%98the_real_one\" title=\"Don\u2019t ask for \u2018the real one\u2019.\">Don\u2019t ask for \u2018the real one\u2019.<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-8\" href=\"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/articles\/intro-material\/rules\/#Use_our_preferred_terms_If_youre_not_sure_ask\" title=\"Use our preferred terms. If you\u2019re not sure, ask!\">Use our preferred terms. If you\u2019re not sure, ask!<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-9\" href=\"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/articles\/intro-material\/rules\/#Dont_treat_us_as_though_were_two-dimensional_aspects\" title=\"Don\u2019t treat us as though we\u2019re two-dimensional aspects.\">Don\u2019t treat us as though we\u2019re two-dimensional aspects.<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-10\" href=\"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/articles\/intro-material\/rules\/#Dont_treat_us_like_role-play_characters\" title=\"Don\u2019t treat us like role-play characters.\">Don\u2019t treat us like role-play characters.<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Introduction\"><\/span>Introduction<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Getting to know a plural system can mean unlearning certain social habits and picking up new ones. We understand that it can be difficult to get used to, so we\u2019ve written this guide for newbies. We can\u2019t pretend to speak for other groups, but this is what works for us. Your mileage may vary, based on your own experience and comfort level \u2013 we expect that other medium-sized, highly individualised systems will benefit the most from this article.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Important_things_to_keep_in_mind\"><\/span>Important things to keep in mind<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>We understand that people make mistakes, especially after a system comes out. Most of the time, people get things right after a few reminders. If they don\u2019t, it\u2019s time for us to re-evaluate the relationship.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"If_youre_curious_just_ask\"><\/span>If you\u2019re curious, just ask.<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>If you\u2019re new to a particular concept, you\u2019re bound to have questions. People here understand that, and are willing to answer questions \u2013 within reason, of course. If someone thinks that your question is inappropriate, they\u2019ll just tell you. It\u2019s better to ask than to cause offence!<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Use_the_names_people_prefer\"><\/span>Use the names people prefer.<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>We all have our own names that are distinct both from the system name and our government name. If you need to get hold of someone, just use their name as you would with anyone else.<\/p>\n<p>If you need to know who\u2019s around, just ask! We\u2019ll usually let you know anyway. In person, you may hear our voices change if we\u2019re talking to you in private. Online, we usually sign our comments or mark our responses in texts and DMs.<\/p>\n<p>Here are some blunders, at least from our perspective:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Constantly using our government name even though you\u2019ve known we were plural for years and we\u2019ve interacted with you as separate people.<\/strong> Our government name is like a username \u2013 it\u2019s a convenience for people who don\u2019t know we\u2019re plural. If you do know we\u2019re plural,\u00a0use our system name if you\u2019re interacting with us in private. When you insist on using our government name, you imply that the front persona is the \u2018real one\u2019, and that we don\u2019t really exist as individuals. Even if it&#8217;s an oversight, it can raise suspicion.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Refusing to use individual names at all.<\/strong> Some systems are OK with using the system name as a general catch-all. We\u2019re fine with people using ours (or saying stuff like \u2018hey guys\u2019) if they\u2019re not sure who\u2019s around. Sometimes that\u2019s hard, especially when you\u2019re like us and have more than one person around at a time.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>(Admittedly, it&#8217;s rare for us to correct these blunders for people we know offline. Online, though, we will probably say something.)<\/p>\n<p>You should also use the <b>pronouns<\/b> (<em>he<\/em>, <em>she<\/em>, <em>they<\/em>, <em>etc<\/em>) individuals prefer. We use <em>they<\/em> collectively, but each system member uses different pronouns to refer to themselves. Most of us are men, so &#8216;he&#8217; is the most likely one. Em (they) and Lilly (she) are exceptions.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Respect_system_members_individuality\"><\/span>Respect system members\u2019 individuality.<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><em>We are <strong>not<\/strong> interchangeable.<\/em> Don\u2019t act as though we have identical interests, opinions or ways of doing things. We\u2019re separate people, and we\u2019d prefer if you honoured that. Although there are some areas where most of us do agree (we\u2019d never vote Republican, for example), there are many more where we disagree.<\/p>\n<p>This applies to conflicts too, especially if you happen to have a dispute with one or two individual people in a system. If you\u2019re upset with Jack, you need to resolve it with him, not with Hess, Lilly or Richard. If you have a problem with something Lilly said, talk to her about it, not Jamie or Yavari.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"If_you_met_someone_in_a_system_first_dont_marginalise_other_members_of_the_system\"><\/span>If you met someone in a system first, don\u2019t marginalise other members of the system.<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>You don\u2019t have to be best friends with everyone within a system. At the same time, though, it\u2019s rude to act as though the rest of us don\u2019t exist. Sometimes the situation can be more complicated, though. Yavari used to go by the name we were using in singlet mode at the time. When we came out as plural, people thought that he was the only one of us they knew, even though a lot of us had interacted with them before we uncloseted. They eventually <b>did<\/b> get it, but we had to make it really clear to them that they were interacting with a composite. Even if you did know only one person in the group, isn\u2019t it polite to at least be friendly and civil to your friend\u2019s family members or housemates if they were in a separate body?<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Dont_ask_for_%E2%80%98the_real_one\"><\/span>Don\u2019t ask for \u2018the real one\u2019.<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>This often occurs when people have a lingering belief that the first person they spoke to in the group is the \u2018real one\u2019. If you were talking to any of us for an extended period of time, you\u2019d be convinced that they were the \u2018real one\u2019. It\u2019s especially frustrating when people call on the apparent \u2018real one\u2019 because they expect them to be more reasonable than the other system-members. We suspect that\u2019s because they see us as imaginary characters, outgrowths of the \u2018real one\u2019, or entities that should neither be seen nor heard. We are <em>all<\/em> the real ones.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Use_our_preferred_terms_If_youre_not_sure_ask\"><\/span>Use our preferred terms. If you\u2019re not sure, ask!<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>We do not use the words <em>alter<\/em>, <em>personality<\/em>, <em>part<\/em>, <em>persona<\/em>, <em>fragment<\/em> or <em>ego state<\/em>. We prefer <em>people<\/em>, <em>system members<\/em>, <em>group members<\/em> or <em>headmates<\/em>. <em>Insiders<\/em> is all right, but we don\u2019t typically use it. We\u2019ll be understanding if you\u2019re new to plurality and use words such as <em>alters<\/em>, but if you keep doing it, we\u2019ll tell you to stop. This is not an indictment on systems who do use words like <em>alters<\/em>, but it\u2019s not our preference.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Dont_treat_us_as_though_were_two-dimensional_aspects\"><\/span>Don\u2019t treat us as though we\u2019re <a href=\"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/articles\/medicalisation\/altertypes\/\">two-dimensional aspects<\/a>.<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>We\u2019re not personality archetypes; we\u2019re fully realised people. There\u2019s no scared little, Fifi the Slut, protector or persecutor. (And definitely no <a href=\"http:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/evildemon.html\">Evil Demon Alters<\/a>\u2122.)<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Dont_treat_us_like_role-play_characters\"><\/span>Don\u2019t treat us like role-play characters.<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>We\u2019re not role-playing. Most people understand that we\u2019re not role-playing after having talked to us, but there is a stereotype of plural systems as live-action role-players taking their stories to the next level.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Em Flynn, Hess Sakal and Jack Dawkins, 2013 (Updated July 2023)\u00a0 This is intended to be a replacement and expansion of the earlier \u2018Plural Etiquette\u2019 and \u2018Rules of Engagement\u2019 articles published in 2007. Introduction Getting to know a plural system can mean unlearning certain social habits and picking up new ones. We understand that it [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":1226,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":""},"coauthors":[12],"class_list":{"0":"post-327","1":"page","2":"type-page","3":"status-publish","5":"entry"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/327","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=327"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/327\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1443,"href":"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/327\/revisions\/1443"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1226"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=327"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=327"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}