{"id":1141,"date":"2023-11-21T22:47:28","date_gmt":"2023-11-22T03:47:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/?page_id=1141"},"modified":"2025-09-29T11:45:04","modified_gmt":"2025-09-29T15:45:04","slug":"only-meteors-are-impactful","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.exunoplures.org\/main\/publications\/audio-theatre\/only-meteors-are-impactful\/","title":{"rendered":"Only Meteors Are Impactful"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"An<\/a><\/p>\n

Every time you say \u201cimpactful,\u201d the likelihood of a meteor shower increases by 50%!<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The Shattered Souls System are the latest guests on Dysfunction Junction<\/em>, where Hess and Zip support struggling systems in becoming more functional by connecting them with systems who have their sh*t together. Unfortunately, Ellen Barbara, this episode\u2019s advice-giver, has her own ideas of what \u201cfunctional\u201d means\u2014and the business-jargon-addicted James isn\u2019t helping much, either. It\u2019s a workplace satire! It mocks ableism and two-dimensional views of multiplicity! In short, it\u2019s a Plures House production.<\/p>\n

Featuring Hess Sakal (himself), Zip T. Wexler (himself), Jamie Dawkins (James the Bored Work Alter), Jack Dawkins (Jack the Evil Demon Alter), Vladimir \u201cVova\u201d Romanov (Fire the Protector Alter), and Yavari Caralize (Ellen Barbara).<\/p>\n

(This is an updated version of \u201cFunctional and Dysfunctional Multiples,\u201d an audio play we performed 16 years ago. It won\u2019t be shared here, since we recorded it two years before our voice deepened and there are inside jokes that only a few of our friends will get. Also, the production values are terrible!)<\/p>\n

Recorded in November 2023.<\/p>\n

\n

Transcript<\/strong><\/p>\n

*intro music plays*<\/em><\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> Welcome to Dysfunction Junction! This is your co-host, Hess Sakal! After sixteen years, we\u2019re back on air, ready to meet the Shattered Souls System, now in their late thirties! The last time we talked, they were twenty-one and trying to work things out. But what are they like now that they\u2019re approaching the big Four-Oh?<\/p>\n

Zip:<\/strong> Ladies and germs, nonhexadecimals, and all others! I\u2019m the other guy you\u2019re gonna be hearing from today\u2014Zip T. Wexler! Live from BAWSTON, it\u2019s your favourite ball of chaos from Dorchester!<\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> I thought you were from Queens.<\/p>\n

Zip:<\/strong> Naw, Dorchester. I just have a bit of Queens in my accent.<\/p>\n

Zip:<\/strong> And today, we\u2019ve got the Shattered Souls System! Hey, guys!<\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> Who\u2019s the first Shattered Soul who wants to talk to us? James?<\/p>\n

James:<\/strong> Hi! I\u2019m James, the Bored Work Alter! I come out to promote synergy and provide best-of-breed service to put alimentary products on our table unit to provide sustenance.<\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> So you take the system to work?<\/p>\n

James:<\/strong> Yeah. I sit glassy-eyed at a desk for eight hours and try to make our writing more impactful. Make it pop. Make the logo bigger\u2014oh, wait, I used to be a graphic designer. Now I\u2019m getting things confused. Also, when I front, our shoe size shrinks. Just an observation. Heh.<\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> *guffaws*<\/em> Oh god. Only meteors are impactful!<\/p>\n

James:<\/strong> I\u2019m also responsible for onboarding and building capacity among the next generation of Shattered Souls.<\/p>\n

Zip:<\/strong> Onboarding? More like waterboarding!<\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> And heeeeeere\u2019s Jack, the Evil Demon Alter! *dramatic piano music in the background*<\/p>\n

Jack:<\/strong> Greetings, mortals! It is I, Jack, the Evil Demon Alter!<\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> You don\u2019t sound particularly evil to me, mate.<\/p>\n

Jack:<\/strong> But can\u2019t you tell I\u2019m evil? I\u2019ve got an English accent!<\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> What are you talking about? I\u2019ve got an English accent, too! That doesn\u2019t make me evil, does it? Oh, wait a moment. I was called an evil demon alter about sixteen years ago.<\/p>\n

Jack:<\/strong> I\u2019ve even got a moustache to twirl and a cat to stroke! That makes me evil, doesn\u2019t it? And perhaps I ought to throw in a “Seize them!” or “Bring her to me!” to make it even clearer.<\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> Very evil. Much terrifying. I\u2019m quavering in my boots.<\/p>\n

James:<\/strong> Clearly my headmate doesn\u2019t know the best practices for innovative upskilling in the evil arena\u2014you know, the maleficence space. I suggest that he develop some mad SEO\u2014Super Evil Optimisation\u2014skills to up his game. Then he\u2019ll be able to make deals with key stakeholders\u2026 by getting them to stop killing his vampire allies, who help him leverage his core competencies in sinister-deed plotting. But wait, there\u2019s\u2014<\/p>\n

Jack:<\/strong> Oh, come off it, James. Haven\u2019t you heard my evil laugh? *cackles maniacally*<\/em><\/p>\n

Zip:<\/strong> Can we give James the Employee of the Year Award for Most Jargon-Filled Sentences?<\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> I admit it! Now you actually sound properly evil! (At least a bit.) As for you, Zip, I totally agree about James. He\u2019s a fucking jargon machine.<\/p>\n

Zip:<\/strong> Anyone else wanna talk to us?<\/p>\n

Fire: YES! THEY CALL ME FIRE, AND I\u2019M THE PROTECTOR ALTER. I\u2019M THE PROTECTOR ALTER BECAUSE I\u2019M THE ALTER WHO PROTECTS. I AM A PROTECTIVE ALTER WHO PROTECTS, AND I AM ALSO AN ALTER BECAUSE I AM THE PROTECTOR ALTER. I AM AN ENDLESS FOUNT OF REPETITIVE REDUNDANT TAUTOLOGIES, PLEONASMS, AND REDUNDANCIES! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, MOJO JOJO! I, TOO, CAN HAVE A MOJO DOJO CASA HOUSE! (SEE, LOOK, I\u2019VE EVEN UPDATED MY JOKES, HUMOUR, AND GAGS. I AM MODERN AND UP-TO-DATE AND CONTEMPORARY!)<\/p>\n

James:<\/strong> Fire is one of the most impactful members of the system. Going forward, we should have him talk during all our work meetings\u2014but if he does, they\u2019ll probably tell him to take his redundancy offline.<\/p>\n

Jack:<\/strong> This is why I\u2019m an Evil Demon Alter. If you had to be \u2018protected\u2019 by this logorrhoeic gibbering fool, you\u2019d turn evil, too. The same applies to the jargonmonger standing next to me. I would never marry this fool. Can you imagine it?<\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> Every time you say \u201cimpactful,” the likelihood of a meteor landing increases by 50%!<\/p>\n

Fire:<\/strong> METEORS AND METEORITES AND BIG SPACE ROCKS LANDING ON YOUR HEAD EVERY TIME YOU DECLARE SOMETHING FULL OF IMPACT\u2014THAT IS, IMPACTFUL!<\/p>\n

Jack:<\/strong> I am surrrrrrounded by INCOMPETENTS! YOU FOOLS!<\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> Now, that\u2019s what I call evil! Next up, we have Ellen Barbara! The head of her own system, Ellen has arrived to give the Shattered Souls some well-needed advice about how to become more functional!<\/p>\n

Ellen:<\/strong> Oh man. They\u2019re not functional! The question you need to ask about every plural system is\u2026 Are they adults? Are they FUNCTIONAL ADULTS? They have to be really functional, you know.<\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> What do you think a \u201cfunctional adult\u201d system looks like?<\/p>\n

Ellen:<\/strong> They should be over twenty-one, body age, of course. Old enough to to drink and make a fool of themselves in a bar, at least in the USA, the only country that counts, fuck yeah. And they can\u2019t have a job they hate. And they can\u2019t be \u2018lifers\u2019, in therapy for twenty years because they can\u2019t just take a walk and get over all their trauma like me.<\/p>\n

Zip:<\/strong> It\u2019s time for a W-W-W-WEXLER TEST! *drum roll*<\/em><\/p>\n

Ellen:<\/strong> Nobody told me this was a game show. Unless you\u2019re talking about the Wechsler IQ test. I got a 160 on that\u2014the WISC, the WAIS, all of it. And a 200 on the Stanford-Binet. I broke the scale! And I also got a perfect score on my SATs! And ACTs! And if I lived in the UK I\u2019d get a perfect score on my A-Levels and GCSEs, O-Levels\u2026<\/p>\n

James:<\/strong> Split-levels?<\/p>\n

Ellen:<\/strong> What are you talking about, James? Shut up!<\/p>\n

Zip:<\/strong> Nobody gives a shit, Ellen!<\/p>\n

Ellen:<\/strong> I haven\u2019t finished yet! I got a perfect score on my GREs\u2014so good that I didn\u2019t even need to go to grad school to prove that I know everything! I can just make comments on Twi\u2014I mean, X (in EXTREEEEEME voice) to every political figure I can think of to give unsolicited advice! I also speak fifty languages from English to Pig Latin and I also know how to build a nuclear reactor out of bubble gum, paper clips and wadded-up tissues. I don\u2019t NEED uranium because I am JUST that smart!<\/p>\n

Fire:<\/strong> SHE\u2019S CLEVER, SMART, AND INTELLIGENT BECAUSE SHE IS SUCCESSFUL ON ALL HER STANDARDISED TESTS OF KNOWLEDGE. BRAVO AND CONGRATULATIONS, ELLEN!<\/p>\n

James:<\/strong> Very impactful! Golf clap. *claps*<\/em><\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> We don\u2019t need to hear your spurious CV, Ellen! I thought you were going to tell us more about how systems could be functional. That\u2019s the required 10% of educational content on all Pluresian Radio programmes. And is \u2018impactful\u2019 the only word you know, James?<\/p>\n

Ellen:<\/strong> Shut up and let me talk! Clearly I\u2019ve passed the Wexler Test with flying colours!<\/p>\n

Zip:<\/strong> *buzzer goes off*<\/em> Naw! You just failed the Wexler Test! The test was to see if you were going to brag about how well you do on dumb standardised tests! You may be able to pass the W-E-C-H-S-L-E-R test, but you can\u2019t pass the W-E-X-L-E-R test!<\/p>\n

Ellen:<\/strong> *big sigh* ANYWAY. How do you become a functional system? You wait until you\u2019re twenty-one and have a nice big drink. Then you don\u2019t go to therapy, even if you need it, because if you go to therapy, you are a lifer and therefore not functional! And when it comes to jobs, just grin and bear it and then you won\u2019t hate your job any more! If you\u2019re a garbage man\u2014<\/p>\n

James:<\/strong> You mean waste-collecting engineer, Ellen. That makes it sound more impactf\u2014<\/p>\n

Zip:<\/strong> You keep saying that word. Keep saying it and you may get a nasty surp\u2014<\/p>\n

James:<\/strong> \u2014ful.<\/p>\n

Ellen:<\/strong> ANYWAY. Even if your job is to pick up trash or scrape roadkill off the ground, if you plaster on a big fake grin like me, you\u2019ll be happy in no time! Because if you don\u2019t, you\u2019ll just have a negative story about your job. Check out The Work of Byron Katie and you\u2019ll be well on your way to permanent happiness because I\u2019m really functional. Really functional. I\u2019m a functional adult. Very functional.<\/p>\n

Fire:<\/strong> That\u2019s redundant enough for me. Congratulations, Ellen!<\/p>\n

James:<\/strong> Very impactful speech, Ellen!<\/p>\n

Fire:<\/strong> IT\u2019S FULL OF IMPACT! THEREFORE IT IS IMPACTFUL.<\/p>\n

Zip:<\/strong> Dude! Didn\u2019t you hear Hess, bro? Only meteors are impactful!<\/p>\n

James:<\/strong> Oh, shit\u2026 is that a meteor? *Meteor shower in background*<\/em><\/p>\n

Hess:<\/strong> YES, WE TOLD YOU! I WASN\u2019T FUCKING KIDDING!<\/p>\n

Everyone:<\/strong> RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!<\/p>\n

Fire:<\/strong> Run for your lives and vital status!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n
\n
TRANSLATE with <\/span> x<\/span><\/div>\n
\n
English<\/span><\/p>\n
\n
\n
\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
Arabic<\/a><\/td>\nHebrew<\/a><\/td>\nPolish<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Bulgarian<\/a><\/td>\nHindi<\/a><\/td>\nPortuguese<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Catalan<\/a><\/td>\nHmong Daw<\/a><\/td>\nRomanian<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Chinese Simplified<\/a><\/td>\nHungarian<\/a><\/td>\nRussian<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Chinese Traditional<\/a><\/td>\nIndonesian<\/a><\/td>\nSlovak<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Czech<\/a><\/td>\nItalian<\/a><\/td>\nSlovenian<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Danish<\/a><\/td>\nJapanese<\/a><\/td>\nSpanish<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Dutch<\/a><\/td>\nKlingon<\/a><\/td>\nSwedish<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
English<\/a><\/td>\nKorean<\/a><\/td>\nThai<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Estonian<\/a><\/td>\nLatvian<\/a><\/td>\nTurkish<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Finnish<\/a><\/td>\nLithuanian<\/a><\/td>\nUkrainian<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
French<\/a><\/td>\nMalay<\/a><\/td>\nUrdu<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
German<\/a><\/td>\nMaltese<\/a><\/td>\nVietnamese<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Greek<\/a><\/td>\nNorwegian<\/a><\/td>\nWelsh<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Haitian Creole<\/a><\/td>\nPersian<\/a><\/td>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

\"\"<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n